Friday, April 25, 2008

Yearly physicals, what fun!

Well, it finally happened! My husband's first prostate exam!

After 20+ years of my own personal degradation and humiliation at the gynocologist's office, I finally get to see him endure the mortifying embarassment that accompanies the necessary, but all too unpleasant, intimate physical exam.

(If it's any consolation to you , honey, the doctor seemed to enjoy it even less than you did.)
The look on that woman's face was priceless. I think that must have been the "sometimes-I wish-I'd become-an-accountant-look". Oh well, that's why they pay her the big bucks, I guess.

So he finally had a small glimpse into what we women have to endure. A VERY SMALL glimse.
I mean, really, what is the "butt-finger" compared to what women have to go through anually at the Gyno's office.

Every year we muster up our courage and traipse down to the office for our annual exam.
We tell ourselves that it won't be that bad, but after sitting in the( appropriately named) "waiting room" for about an hour waiting to be called back, what started out as an uneasy feeling has mutated into full-blown anxiety.

Then your name is called and you get to go back to the exam room where you have to wait another hour, but this time with no magazines, and in a paper dress!

When the doc finally does arrive that's when the real "fun" begins. First comes the breast exam. I'm an old fashioned girl. I usually don't let someone feel me up until they've at least bought me dinner, but I make an exception in this case.
So there I am on the table, arms over my head, getting my boobs pinched and poked. Can you imagine a more vulnerable position? If not, just let me tell you about what comes next.

Next is the pelvic exam. First you have to lay on the exam table, spread eagle with your feet up in stirrups. Then you're told to "slide your butt down." As if you're not uncomfortable enough, now your butt is hanging off the end of the table and a spot light is being shined on your vagina.
Then the doc slathers his latex-gloved hands with KY jelly that seems to have been stored in the freezer. "This may feel a little cold." seems to be the standard line at that point. But the use of the word "little", in this case is like saying that politicians are a "little" dishonest.

Then comes the speculums. If you aren't familiar with this device, it is a metal tool used by the gynocologist to hold open the vagina during the exam, which apparently is stored in the freezer next to the KY jelly. It is unceremoniously inserted and cranked open like the sun roof of a 1979 Volkswagen, so that the doc can proceed to scrape cells from the cervix. Yes, I said scrape cells! I know this is necessary to diagnose cervical abnormalities that might be pre-cancerous in nature, but you sure never hear about a doctor scraping anything off of any MAN!

And heaven help you if you have such an exam in a "learning hospital". It's bad enough with the doctor and nurse in the room. A couple of interns asking questions about you like you're some science project, instead of a human being, really does very little to instill confidence and promote relaxation. And GOD-forbid the exam should show anything unusual in such a place. The next thing you know interns from all over the building will be lining up to look at the woman who's episiotomy scar is shaped like the Eiffel Tower. ( or whatever the case may be)

So, in my must humble opinion, men have it easy. What's a moment of anal angst compared to all THAT!

Monday, April 14, 2008

thoughts of the day

So, I went and started a blog. Funny, the things people do when they've had a couple of cocktails.
I guess this is as good a place as any to vent my frustrations. Lord knows my husband is tired of me venting on him.
So here goes.
This morning on the news they said that 80% of all emails are SPAM! Ok, fair enough statistic. It's only logical that in this age of electronics that junk mail would eventually give way to junk e-mail. What I take issue with is the use of the word SPAM to describe said junk e-mail.
SPAM is a tasty, tasty pork product that never hurt any body! I just don't get why anyone would use the word SPAM to describe something they don't like. I mean, c'mom everybody likes SPAM. Sure people make jokes about SPAM being "trailer-park-T-bone" but secretly they really love it! It's just one of those guilty pleasures we all hide.
Now I can see how it could be a bothersome thing if a person actually sent you a can of SPAM with a message like, Forward this tasty lunchmeat to ten people in the next 5 minutes and you will recieve a blessing today. or This lunchmeat wants to give you a FREE laptop!!
So now the Hormel meat company has this product thats been around forever and now it has lended it's name to describe junk e-mail. How confusing must it be at the offices of Hormel Meats when sending and recieving e-mails. Especially if the subject line reads Re: SPAM, or Re: Spam about SPAM
The point I am making is that people should choose there words carefully because there is no telling how often those words might be repeated. You never know what innocent word or phrase may become popular slang or even a noteworthy catchphrase not unlike "That's hot." , "Crack is wack" , or even "I've fallen and I can't get up!!!!!"
I'd love to rant more on the subject but you get the idea.
CATCHYOULATERBYE!!!!!! MS CAROL

Friday, April 11, 2008

My First Blog Like EVER!!!

Hey there all you awesome users of the internet!!!!

This is my first Blog so bear with me.
I've always wanted to have my own blog. (well, at least always since blogs were invented) A space where I could record my most intimate secrets .. or not. I figured it would be much cooler than keeping a ''journal/diary'', because random strangers could read it and it wouldn't matter to me in the least because you have no idea who the heck I really am. God bless the anonymity of the internet. So here goes.
Well, first off let me start by saying that apple seeds are poisonous. Don't know why I'm telling you that? Because my son's friend, Wayne told me that, and I told him that if I ever had a blog I'd be sure to spread the word. So people, BEWARE!!!!!
Satisfied, Wayne?
So anyway there are any number of things that I'd LOVE to share my humble opinions about. The first of which would be parenting ADD kids. But right now my ADD kids are going crazy and need my attention so I'll have to save that for another day.
oxoxoxMsCarol!