I don't usually write about books I've read. I'm not a reviever by any means. But I just have to say something about the book I just finished and enjoyed so much. It was called Horror Show. Not too surprising if you know me at all. I've been reading horror fiction since elementary school and my horror fiction book collection currently has over 160 titles. If I keep buying books I'll have to have a room addition built. I guess that's another argument in favor of E-books. I'm just not ready to give up my old school paper books yet. But that's another story for another time.
As I was saying... Horror Show, by Greg Kihn. If that name sounds vaguely familiar to you , it's because it's the same guy who was a one-hit-wonder on the 80's pop/dance music scene. I know he must have been a pretty big deal back in the day, because every singer knows they've "arrived '' when Weird Al parodys them. AAAAHHH, memories!
So we've established that the author's first career was in the music industry. This didn't really score him any points with me. I'm familiar with the concept of musicians trying to break into other careers. Maybe this is a gross generalization but it just never seems to work out quite right for them. (Think Mariah Carey in Glitter, Britney Spears in Crossroads, Maddonna in anything, you get the idea) I usually prefer musicians who stick to music.
I never would have looked for this title if it weren't for me stumbling across A Guide to Horror Fiction at the library. This handy-dandy, not-so-little book listed and categorized horror fiction books and authors, cross-referenced them by style, location, subject matter etc, and gave author bios and brief summaries of the various books. Pretty darn cool in my opinion.
What it said about Horror Show was that it was nominated for a Bram Stoker Award. To the uninitiated, that's a very prestigious award for horror fiction authors. To be nominated for the very first book you publish is pretty impressive. That's what prompted me to actually seek out Horror Show and read it. And I'm so glad I did.
The book is written in a style called "splatter punk" which basically means it's very graphic (which I loved). You would think that since it's a book, not a movie, you could just use your imagination and imagine as much or as little gore as you'd like. But the author painted such a vivid picture with words, that every gross, disgusting, detail came alive and slithered off the page keeping me wrapped in goosebumps, even within the confines of my beloved Snuggie.
I know a review is really just one person's opinion and one opinion may not matter all that much but nonetheless, I offer up my own review off Horror Show by Greg Kihn. I give it 5 out of 5 severed heads and definitely two disembodied thumbs up.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
How to recognize a teenager
Today is my youngest son's 12th birthday. I can hardly believe it. One more year and my baby will be a TEENAGER!
Since Joey is small for his age people always assume that he's way younger than he actually is. So in honor of Joey on his special day I made up a list (Not unlike Jeff Foxworthy's You Might Be a Redneck Schtick) to help people recognize a teenager when they see one:
- If you have more earrings in your face than in your ears, you might be a teenager.
- If you always dress in black from head to toe (and you're not Johhny Cash) you might be a teenager.
- If you're now asking your self "Who is Johnny Cash?" you might be a teenager.
-If you know every Jonas Brothers song, but don't know who the vice president is, you might be a teenager.
- If instead of having your jeans hemmed, you prefer to just walk-off that extra three inches of denim, you might be a teenager.
- If you've ever watched The Osbournes and understood what Ozzy was saying, without subtitles, you might be a teenager.
- If you would rather wear your bike chain around your neck than on your bike, you might be a teenager.
-If the only way you mom can talk to you is by text message, you might be a teenager.
- If you have a Miley Cyrus song on your ipod and swear you don't know how it got there, you might be a teenager.
- If you can use the f-word as a noun, a verb and an adjective in one sentence, you might be a teenager.
- If you think Red Bull should be included in the food pyramid, you might be a teenager.
- If Jersey Shore is your idea of a "documentary", you might be a teenager.
- If your mom thinks you're "at the movies'', you might be a teenager.
Since Joey is small for his age people always assume that he's way younger than he actually is. So in honor of Joey on his special day I made up a list (Not unlike Jeff Foxworthy's You Might Be a Redneck Schtick) to help people recognize a teenager when they see one:
- If you have more earrings in your face than in your ears, you might be a teenager.
- If you always dress in black from head to toe (and you're not Johhny Cash) you might be a teenager.
- If you're now asking your self "Who is Johnny Cash?" you might be a teenager.
-If you know every Jonas Brothers song, but don't know who the vice president is, you might be a teenager.
- If instead of having your jeans hemmed, you prefer to just walk-off that extra three inches of denim, you might be a teenager.
- If you've ever watched The Osbournes and understood what Ozzy was saying, without subtitles, you might be a teenager.
- If you would rather wear your bike chain around your neck than on your bike, you might be a teenager.
-If the only way you mom can talk to you is by text message, you might be a teenager.
- If you have a Miley Cyrus song on your ipod and swear you don't know how it got there, you might be a teenager.
- If you can use the f-word as a noun, a verb and an adjective in one sentence, you might be a teenager.
- If you think Red Bull should be included in the food pyramid, you might be a teenager.
- If Jersey Shore is your idea of a "documentary", you might be a teenager.
- If your mom thinks you're "at the movies'', you might be a teenager.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Everyone complains about the weather but no one ever does anything about it. I've heard this quote about a million times and it's just not true. I don't complain about the weather. My only complaint is about the weather forecasters. And it's not what you might think.
Some people get mad if the forecast is off a bit. My problem is that I prefer the forecast the old school way. There I said it. I miss the days of Margie Ison drawing clouds on her dry-erase map of the United States. I may be dating myself by mentioning Margie Ison but as far as I'm concerned, Margie is to weather forecasting what Dolly Parton is to country music. I'm not ashamed to admit that I miss the way she used to give the weather forecast back in the days before technology reigned supreme.
Today there are "meteorologists" instead of "weather girls". And these guys (and girls) are real-deal scientists! They all have something called Super-Duper-Doppler (or something like that) that is more accurate than even the Psychic Friends Network.(there I go again dating myself.) They don't just tell us what the weather is going to be, they explain in great detail why it's going to be that way. It's almost like they're speaking in a foreign language when they start talking about arctic fronts, barometric pressure, humidity factors and so forth.
Then there are the weather maps. Oh, they are a far cry from Margie's dry-erase boards that's for sure. Today's weather maps are computerized monstrosities that use color variations to represent variations in the weather. ie "As you can see from the 72 colors on our Super-Duper-Doppler-Radar-Map, temperatures are rising in the East due to a bi-polar shift on the low pressure front of the barometric chill factor." Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out what temperature chartreuse represents and whether or not aubergine indicates rain.
Give me a break!! It's the weather report. I just want to know if I need a sweater! Why does everything have to be so complicated?
It's almost as if the meteorologist's mission is to make people feel dumb as a box of rocks. Well, I'm here to tell you mission NOT accomplished! At least not with me. You see, there is a theory called Occum's Razor, (that's a physics term, you know) that suggests that the simplest explanation is probably the correct one. Being one who enjoys simplicity, I take that a step further by theorizing that the simplest way to find something out is the best way. Therefore instead of turning on the TV weather report and struggling through a labyrinth of incomprehensible meteorological terms, I find out about the weather a much simpler way. I go outside.
Some people get mad if the forecast is off a bit. My problem is that I prefer the forecast the old school way. There I said it. I miss the days of Margie Ison drawing clouds on her dry-erase map of the United States. I may be dating myself by mentioning Margie Ison but as far as I'm concerned, Margie is to weather forecasting what Dolly Parton is to country music. I'm not ashamed to admit that I miss the way she used to give the weather forecast back in the days before technology reigned supreme.
Today there are "meteorologists" instead of "weather girls". And these guys (and girls) are real-deal scientists! They all have something called Super-Duper-Doppler (or something like that) that is more accurate than even the Psychic Friends Network.(there I go again dating myself.) They don't just tell us what the weather is going to be, they explain in great detail why it's going to be that way. It's almost like they're speaking in a foreign language when they start talking about arctic fronts, barometric pressure, humidity factors and so forth.
Then there are the weather maps. Oh, they are a far cry from Margie's dry-erase boards that's for sure. Today's weather maps are computerized monstrosities that use color variations to represent variations in the weather. ie "As you can see from the 72 colors on our Super-Duper-Doppler-Radar-Map, temperatures are rising in the East due to a bi-polar shift on the low pressure front of the barometric chill factor." Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out what temperature chartreuse represents and whether or not aubergine indicates rain.
Give me a break!! It's the weather report. I just want to know if I need a sweater! Why does everything have to be so complicated?
It's almost as if the meteorologist's mission is to make people feel dumb as a box of rocks. Well, I'm here to tell you mission NOT accomplished! At least not with me. You see, there is a theory called Occum's Razor, (that's a physics term, you know) that suggests that the simplest explanation is probably the correct one. Being one who enjoys simplicity, I take that a step further by theorizing that the simplest way to find something out is the best way. Therefore instead of turning on the TV weather report and struggling through a labyrinth of incomprehensible meteorological terms, I find out about the weather a much simpler way. I go outside.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
But I saw it on TV...
Part of the reason I started this blog was to bitch about stuff. (the other part of the reason was that I was drunk, but that's a story for another day) Well, here I am again with something to bitch about. Everyone has their guilty pleasures. I personally have several, some more guilty than others. But my best /worst guilty pleasure is As-seen-on-TV items. I am apparently so simple minded that any infomercial for any product--no matter how asinine--can lure me in like a hemp-head to a Jimmy Buffet concert.
These obscure gadgets and gizmos just seem to call my name, and now that they are "available at fine retailers everywhere" it's even worse. When I actually see the item up close and personal, touch it with my very own hands, rationalize to myself that it's so much cheaper since I'm not paying postage, that's the moment that I know the item HAS to be mine! The problem is that these products rarely live up to the infomercial hype. I should know. I've tried plenty of them.
For example, the ShamWOW. It's a shammie cloth that is supposed to soak up water by the gallon. Pretty cool- in theory. But don't be taken in! You CAN NOT dry a dog with a ShamWOW! In fact I would venture to say that a ShamWOW can't do anything that can't be done by a Brawney paper towel. And the paper towel guy isn't nearly as creepy as the ShamWOW guy either.
Then there's my old friend The Ab-Zapper 2000. It's a big silver belt thing that looks like something you might win from the World Wrestling Federation. They say wearing it for 15 minutes a day is the equivalent to doing 200 sit-ups. Easy, cheezy, lemon squeezy! What they don't explain fully in the informercial is that this damn thing is electrocuting you for 15 minutes a day. It sends electric shocks to your stomach-- the kind a dog might get when wearing an invisible fence collar--causing you to "flex" your stomach muscles repeatedly for 15 minutes. Now, my labrador is no fool. After getting shocked a couple of times he learned to stay in the yard. Me, on the other hand...I was stupid enough to let that thing shock me for a week-- with no visible results, by the way-- before I said "To hell with this! I'd rather just keep my belly fat just like it is ... and why do I smell like bacon all of a sudden?''
I've tried so many As-seen-on-TV items I can't begin to talk about all of the disappointments. So I will just tell you the plain ole truth. Most of this crap sucks. Yep, that sums it up pretty well.
But to be sure, I said MOST, not ALL. For there is one As-seen-on-TV item that stands above all others as the apex of ridiculously clever but completely unnecessary inventions, my favorite As-seen-on-TV item ever, THE SNUGGIE!
I feel like I'm in the commercial every time I wear it. I actually do all of those things that you can do in a Snuggie. Read, watch TV, answer the door, what ever! And what with me being an ordained minister now (see previous blog) my Snuggie can do double duty as my Ministerial Robe, should the need for one ever arise. I would look quite dashing performing a marriage ceremony in my pink Snuggie. Provided the paticipants had no objections to being married by someone who looks like a short blond wizard headed for a Gay Pride Parade.
These obscure gadgets and gizmos just seem to call my name, and now that they are "available at fine retailers everywhere" it's even worse. When I actually see the item up close and personal, touch it with my very own hands, rationalize to myself that it's so much cheaper since I'm not paying postage, that's the moment that I know the item HAS to be mine! The problem is that these products rarely live up to the infomercial hype. I should know. I've tried plenty of them.
For example, the ShamWOW. It's a shammie cloth that is supposed to soak up water by the gallon. Pretty cool- in theory. But don't be taken in! You CAN NOT dry a dog with a ShamWOW! In fact I would venture to say that a ShamWOW can't do anything that can't be done by a Brawney paper towel. And the paper towel guy isn't nearly as creepy as the ShamWOW guy either.
Then there's my old friend The Ab-Zapper 2000. It's a big silver belt thing that looks like something you might win from the World Wrestling Federation. They say wearing it for 15 minutes a day is the equivalent to doing 200 sit-ups. Easy, cheezy, lemon squeezy! What they don't explain fully in the informercial is that this damn thing is electrocuting you for 15 minutes a day. It sends electric shocks to your stomach-- the kind a dog might get when wearing an invisible fence collar--causing you to "flex" your stomach muscles repeatedly for 15 minutes. Now, my labrador is no fool. After getting shocked a couple of times he learned to stay in the yard. Me, on the other hand...I was stupid enough to let that thing shock me for a week-- with no visible results, by the way-- before I said "To hell with this! I'd rather just keep my belly fat just like it is ... and why do I smell like bacon all of a sudden?''
I've tried so many As-seen-on-TV items I can't begin to talk about all of the disappointments. So I will just tell you the plain ole truth. Most of this crap sucks. Yep, that sums it up pretty well.
But to be sure, I said MOST, not ALL. For there is one As-seen-on-TV item that stands above all others as the apex of ridiculously clever but completely unnecessary inventions, my favorite As-seen-on-TV item ever, THE SNUGGIE!
I feel like I'm in the commercial every time I wear it. I actually do all of those things that you can do in a Snuggie. Read, watch TV, answer the door, what ever! And what with me being an ordained minister now (see previous blog) my Snuggie can do double duty as my Ministerial Robe, should the need for one ever arise. I would look quite dashing performing a marriage ceremony in my pink Snuggie. Provided the paticipants had no objections to being married by someone who looks like a short blond wizard headed for a Gay Pride Parade.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
memories of 2010
I can hardly believe it's 2011 already. Didn't 2010 just fly by?
I've gotta say 2010 wasn't a bad year. I've also gotta say it wasn't a memorable year either. Looking back over the past 12 months (or at least as far back as my occasionally failing memory will allow) I don't recall any major milestones in my life.
So I'll sit here and try to jog my memory.
Let's see... Oh yeah, I attended my 25th high school reunion this past August.That's sort of a milestone. It was a three-day event and seriously, I was bored by day one. There wasn't a very big turnout. So I didn't get to see everyone I'd hoped to see. That kinda sucked. However I did get to reconnect with two people that I love and have missed terribly over the years--Michelle Elkins and Lance Askins. Two members of the elite group of people who made my high school experience a lot more fun than it would have been otherwise.
After much taunting from both of them about my technological deficiencies, I decided to join facebook. As it turns out, social networking is kinda fun! I've reconnected with tons of people I haven't seen in years. And it's not just people who graduated with me, like at the reunion. I can "friend" anyone! (well, anyone who has a facebook account, that is) It seems strange, me communicating on the internet. I'm the absolute opposite of techno-savvy. It also seems strange to use the word "friend" as a verb, but what the hell all the hipsters are doing it. ; ) <-- in case you didn't know, that odd looking bit of punctuation is me winking. That's something else I've learned on my journey along the information super highway. Look at me, zooming into the 1990's FINALLY!
And speaking of journeys, I've kind of been on a spiritual journey of sorts. I thought of getting a degree in Holistic Theology. I figure that a theology school would accept me, regardless of my inability to pass remedial math. Unlike some (read ALL) mainstream colleges. Now there's a rant I could really go on. Seriously, why is math so damn important! Unless it's something you'll use daily in your line of work, taking math in college is pointless. Hellooo! I can use a calculator! Pushing buttons isn't that hard. Hell, I'm doing it right now. But I digress...
So I did some research--yet another thing I learned how to do using the internet--and found out a few things about obtaining an online degree in Holistic Theology (Lord knows there isn't a school with flesh and blood humans, around here in the Bible Belt, that would dare teach such heresy as Holistic Theology)
First, it's expensive and financial aid isn't offered. I suppose I could get a student loan but paying it back could get tricky. See, the second thing I learned about Holistic Theology is that getting a degree in it -- even a PhD-- doesn't guarantee you a job. This type of education, though very interesting, doesn't really translate into employment qualifications. To the best of my knowledge, it just qualifies you to legally marry people.
Well, I took care of that. I just went online--once again using that wonderful internet--and became an ordained minister. Now I can legally marry people. No fuss. No muss. I could also perform funerals, pastor a church, or whatever any other minister could do. Not that I'm going to, mind you. But it's nice to know I have that to fall back on just in case this stay-at-home-mom gig falls through.
I've gotta say 2010 wasn't a bad year. I've also gotta say it wasn't a memorable year either. Looking back over the past 12 months (or at least as far back as my occasionally failing memory will allow) I don't recall any major milestones in my life.
So I'll sit here and try to jog my memory.
Let's see... Oh yeah, I attended my 25th high school reunion this past August.That's sort of a milestone. It was a three-day event and seriously, I was bored by day one. There wasn't a very big turnout. So I didn't get to see everyone I'd hoped to see. That kinda sucked. However I did get to reconnect with two people that I love and have missed terribly over the years--Michelle Elkins and Lance Askins. Two members of the elite group of people who made my high school experience a lot more fun than it would have been otherwise.
After much taunting from both of them about my technological deficiencies, I decided to join facebook. As it turns out, social networking is kinda fun! I've reconnected with tons of people I haven't seen in years. And it's not just people who graduated with me, like at the reunion. I can "friend" anyone! (well, anyone who has a facebook account, that is) It seems strange, me communicating on the internet. I'm the absolute opposite of techno-savvy. It also seems strange to use the word "friend" as a verb, but what the hell all the hipsters are doing it. ; ) <-- in case you didn't know, that odd looking bit of punctuation is me winking. That's something else I've learned on my journey along the information super highway. Look at me, zooming into the 1990's FINALLY!
And speaking of journeys, I've kind of been on a spiritual journey of sorts. I thought of getting a degree in Holistic Theology. I figure that a theology school would accept me, regardless of my inability to pass remedial math. Unlike some (read ALL) mainstream colleges. Now there's a rant I could really go on. Seriously, why is math so damn important! Unless it's something you'll use daily in your line of work, taking math in college is pointless. Hellooo! I can use a calculator! Pushing buttons isn't that hard. Hell, I'm doing it right now. But I digress...
So I did some research--yet another thing I learned how to do using the internet--and found out a few things about obtaining an online degree in Holistic Theology (Lord knows there isn't a school with flesh and blood humans, around here in the Bible Belt, that would dare teach such heresy as Holistic Theology)
First, it's expensive and financial aid isn't offered. I suppose I could get a student loan but paying it back could get tricky. See, the second thing I learned about Holistic Theology is that getting a degree in it -- even a PhD-- doesn't guarantee you a job. This type of education, though very interesting, doesn't really translate into employment qualifications. To the best of my knowledge, it just qualifies you to legally marry people.
Well, I took care of that. I just went online--once again using that wonderful internet--and became an ordained minister. Now I can legally marry people. No fuss. No muss. I could also perform funerals, pastor a church, or whatever any other minister could do. Not that I'm going to, mind you. But it's nice to know I have that to fall back on just in case this stay-at-home-mom gig falls through.
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