Thursday, January 20, 2011

But I saw it on TV...

Part of the reason I started this blog was to bitch about stuff. (the other part of the reason was that I was drunk, but that's a story for another day) Well, here I am again with something to bitch about. Everyone has their guilty pleasures. I personally have several, some more guilty than others. But my best /worst guilty pleasure is As-seen-on-TV items. I am apparently so simple minded that any infomercial for any product--no matter how asinine--can lure me in like a hemp-head to a Jimmy Buffet concert.
These obscure gadgets and gizmos just seem to call my name, and now that they are "available at fine retailers everywhere" it's even worse. When I actually see the item up close and personal, touch it with my very own hands, rationalize to myself that it's so much cheaper since I'm not paying postage, that's the moment that I know the item HAS to be mine! The problem is that these products rarely live up to the infomercial hype. I should know. I've tried plenty of them.
For example, the ShamWOW. It's a shammie cloth that is supposed to soak up water by the gallon. Pretty cool- in theory. But don't be taken in! You CAN NOT dry a dog with a ShamWOW! In fact I would venture to say that a ShamWOW can't do anything that can't be done by a Brawney paper towel. And the paper towel guy isn't nearly as creepy as the ShamWOW guy either.
Then there's my old friend The Ab-Zapper 2000. It's a big silver belt thing that looks like something you might win from the World Wrestling Federation. They say wearing it for 15 minutes a day is the equivalent to doing 200 sit-ups. Easy, cheezy, lemon squeezy! What they don't explain fully in the informercial is that this damn thing is electrocuting you for 15 minutes a day. It sends electric shocks to your stomach-- the kind a dog might get when wearing an invisible fence collar--causing you to "flex" your stomach muscles repeatedly for 15 minutes. Now, my labrador is no fool. After getting shocked a couple of times he learned to stay in the yard. Me, on the other hand...I was stupid enough to let that thing shock me for a week-- with no visible results, by the way-- before I said "To hell with this! I'd rather just keep my belly fat just like it is ... and why do I smell like bacon all of a sudden?''
I've tried so many As-seen-on-TV items I can't begin to talk about all of the disappointments. So I will just tell you the plain ole truth. Most of this crap sucks. Yep, that sums it up pretty well.
But to be sure, I said MOST, not ALL. For there is one As-seen-on-TV item that stands above all others as the apex of ridiculously clever but completely unnecessary inventions, my favorite As-seen-on-TV item ever, THE SNUGGIE!
I feel like I'm in the commercial every time I wear it. I actually do all of those things that you can do in a Snuggie. Read, watch TV, answer the door, what ever! And what with me being an ordained minister now (see previous blog) my Snuggie can do double duty as my Ministerial Robe, should the need for one ever arise. I would look quite dashing performing a marriage ceremony in my pink Snuggie. Provided the paticipants had no objections to being married by someone who looks like a short blond wizard headed for a Gay Pride Parade.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

memories of 2010

I can hardly believe it's 2011 already. Didn't 2010 just fly by?
I've gotta say 2010 wasn't a bad year. I've also gotta say it wasn't a memorable year either. Looking back over the past 12 months (or at least as far back as my occasionally failing memory will allow) I don't recall any major milestones in my life.
So I'll sit here and try to jog my memory.
Let's see... Oh yeah, I attended my 25th high school reunion this past August.That's sort of a milestone. It was a three-day event and seriously, I was bored by day one. There wasn't a very big turnout. So I didn't get to see everyone I'd hoped to see. That kinda sucked. However I did get to reconnect with two people that I love and have missed terribly over the years--Michelle Elkins and Lance Askins. Two members of the elite group of people who made my high school experience a lot more fun than it would have been otherwise.
After much taunting from both of them about my technological deficiencies, I decided to join facebook. As it turns out, social networking is kinda fun! I've reconnected with tons of people I haven't seen in years. And it's not just people who graduated with me, like at the reunion. I can "friend" anyone! (well, anyone who has a facebook account, that is) It seems strange, me communicating on the internet. I'm the absolute opposite of techno-savvy. It also seems strange to use the word "friend" as a verb, but what the hell all the hipsters are doing it. ; ) <-- in case you didn't know, that odd looking bit of punctuation is me winking. That's something else I've learned on my journey along the information super highway. Look at me, zooming into the 1990's FINALLY!
And speaking of journeys, I've kind of been on a spiritual journey of sorts. I thought of getting a degree in Holistic Theology. I figure that a theology school would accept me, regardless of my inability to pass remedial math. Unlike some (read ALL) mainstream colleges. Now there's a rant I could really go on. Seriously, why is math so damn important! Unless it's something you'll use daily in your line of work, taking math in college is pointless. Hellooo! I can use a calculator! Pushing buttons isn't that hard. Hell, I'm doing it right now. But I digress...
So I did some research--yet another thing I learned how to do using the internet--and found out a few things about obtaining an online degree in Holistic Theology (Lord knows there isn't a school with flesh and blood humans, around here in the Bible Belt, that would dare teach such heresy as Holistic Theology)
First, it's expensive and financial aid isn't offered. I suppose I could get a student loan but paying it back could get tricky. See, the second thing I learned about Holistic Theology is that getting a degree in it -- even a PhD-- doesn't guarantee you a job. This type of education, though very interesting, doesn't really translate into employment qualifications. To the best of my knowledge, it just qualifies you to legally marry people.
Well, I took care of that. I just went online--once again using that wonderful internet--and became an ordained minister. Now I can legally marry people. No fuss. No muss. I could also perform funerals, pastor a church, or whatever any other minister could do. Not that I'm going to, mind you. But it's nice to know I have that to fall back on just in case this stay-at-home-mom gig falls through.