Saturday, November 6, 2010

Party Like a Pine Tree

Well, I've already mentioned what I think about the use of the word SPAM as a negative thing. In case you didn't know, I don't like it one darn bit! But the use of the word COOKIES , oh good Lord! Now that really riles me! Cookies are good, sugary, sweet, tasty bits of happiness, not something to be "blocked" on your computer!
Whose idea was it to name those whatever-the-hell-they-are-things COOKIES?! Who makes these decisions? Does somebody just start calling something by some random name until it sticks? Because if that's the case, I think I'll start calling pelicans eggrolls.
"I was down by the docks yesterday and I saw this flock of eggrolls attack a guy.''
Or maybe I could call Rock stars pine trees.
"An assortment of pine trees have announced plans to perform at a concert to benefit homeless squirrels."
Did I forget to tell you that "squirrels" is what we now call middle-aged sea captains?
This is INSANITY !
I am so sick of all these new internet phrases I could just...well, I'd tell you what I could just do but by the time I finish typing it it would probably mean something else.
Let me tell ya, when it comes to the language of the internet, nothing makes me feel older and more out of the loop.
In my day a"down-load" was a bowel movement and "going viral" meant a trip to the free clinic! And most importantly, SPAM was --and is, and always will be-- a tasty pork product!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

It is not yet 7:30 AM and already I'm having a bad day. I made my coffee and my son's oatmeal just like every other day. First I dropped the oatmeal, broke the bowl and splattered oat meal and broken glass everywhere. Then my son and his trusty dog Lily came running to see what had happened. Bad timing. They ran right into me causing me to spill hot coffee all over myself. OUCH! Good news is I only spilled half the coffee. Sweet! I can still get at least a partial caffeine fix. So I set the coffee on the table while I start cleaning up my mess.
I mopped up most of the spilled coffee with a dish towel, got most of the oatmeal and broken glass swept up, and took the dust pan outside to dump in the trash. Being less than a week before the "fall back " time change, it's still dark outside at this time of the morning. Even with the garage light on I failed to see that the outside trash can is covered with fire ants! And in about two seconds I was too. AAAAAHHHHGGGGGG!!!!!
I throw down the dust pan and start slapping at the ants crawling all over me. I'm slapping my arms, my legs, my feet! To no avail whatsoever! Those little beasts were as tenacious as they are EVIL!!! I was left with no alternative. I grabbed the garden hose and, standing right there in the driveway, I hosed those little demons off me. Again, I try to see the bright side. At least it's not cold yet here in South East GA.
So I drag my soggy ass back into the house, get a quick shower, apply some itch-stopping ointment to...well, pretty much my whole body, and prepared to grab what's left of my coffee, reheat it, and relax for just a few minutes before I have to take the boys to school. The Universe had other plans! My coffee was GONE!
OH CRAP! I forgot Daisy ( the weiner dog) loves coffee. And what's more she's still spry enough to jump right up into a chair and drink from a cup right off the table. I know Daisy loves coffee because every time my hubby leaves his cup sitting around, my darling Daisy wastes no time sticking her furry nose right in it and lapping it up like it's the Nectar of the Dogs. OK, I admit it's kinda funny when its his coffee. And I probably would have been able to laugh it off this time had it not been for one thing:chocolate. My coffee this morning was a delicious chocolate-mocha- latte-type drink. Yes, I said CHOCOLATE ! The stuff that makes dogs SICK !! There was a trail of chocolate-covered-kibble-vomit going all through the house.
All my charming sons could do was comfort poor sick, Daisy. Forget poor ME !! Don't bother offering to help clean up this millionth mess of the day! I'm the MOM! I can handle it!!! I can handle it MYSELF !!!
That was about the time my positive outlook just flew out the window. I believe that if I keep a positive outlook, positive things will happen. But c'mon, seriously !?! How much can one mom take? Is the Universe testing me? Is this Divine Retribution for not taking my shopping cart back into the grocery store? Will I survive this day?
Only time will tell.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Ever wonder why it seems to take ladies so much longer than their hubbies to get ready to go some where? I can't speak for anyone else but for me there is a very legitimate reason why I am always the last one out the door at my house.
Here is what my husband does before going out: take a shower and get dressed.
Here is what I do before going out: Make sure the kids are up and dressed appropriately. This usually means making sure that they actually have clothes on, as opposed to pajamas which they would be happy to wear 24 hours a day, and are wearing shoes, which they'd be happy to go without 24 hours a day. Then I have to take the dogs outside (don't want any "accidents" to occur while we're gone)This reminds me to check the food and water bowls. Surprise - both empty! So I go to give the dogs food and water.Wait, can't fill up the water bowl because the sink is full of dirty dishes. So I have to rinse the dishes and put them in the dishwasher, then give the dogs their water.Now that that's done I jump into the shower. Nope can't do it. First I have to pick up all the towels that the previous shower-ers have left on the floor. Oh crap! All the towels are on the floor. Are any of them clean? Then one or more dogs starts to "waller" on said towels answering that question for me. OK fine, no problem, ever resourceful I find a beach towel to dry off on. I then jump in the shower ready to enjoy a relaxing hot shower. But NOOOOO! Always the last one in the shower, I get to bask in the luxury of tepid water while using a bar of soap that's roughly the size of an acorn.
Sorta clean and kinda dry, I pull on whatever outfit is the least wrinkled and breathe a sigh of relief, thinking I'm in the home stretch, now. Throw on a little make up, pin up my hair and go, right? Too bad my kids have liberated every one of my hair pins to practice picking locks. So
I just go with the traditional ponytail-- the official hairdo of stressed out mothers everywhere. And forget about make up, there's no time for that. I just grab a pair of big sunglasses and hope they're big enough to hide what the make otherwise would have. Then I'm out the door only to find my dear hubby and my cherubic children waiting for me.
And they ask, "What took you so long??"