But I saw it on TV...

Part of the reason I started this blog was to bitch about stuff. (the other part of the reason was that I was drunk, but that's a story for another day) Well, here I am again with something to bitch about. Everyone has their guilty pleasures. I personally have several, some more guilty than others. But my best /worst guilty pleasure is As-seen-on-TV items. I am apparently so simple minded that any infomercial for any product--no matter how asinine--can lure me in like a hemp-head to a Jimmy Buffet concert.
These obscure gadgets and gizmos just seem to call my name, and now that they are "available at fine retailers everywhere" it's even worse. When I actually see the item up close and personal, touch it with my very own hands, rationalize to myself that it's so much cheaper since I'm not paying postage, that's the moment that I know the item HAS to be mine! The problem is that these products rarely live up to the infomercial hype. I should know. I've tried plenty of them.
For example, the ShamWOW. It's a shammie cloth that is supposed to soak up water by the gallon. Pretty cool- in theory. But don't be taken in! You CAN NOT dry a dog with a ShamWOW! In fact I would venture to say that a ShamWOW can't do anything that can't be done by a Brawney paper towel. And the paper towel guy isn't nearly as creepy as the ShamWOW guy either.
Then there's my old friend The Ab-Zapper 2000. It's a big silver belt thing that looks like something you might win from the World Wrestling Federation. They say wearing it for 15 minutes a day is the equivalent to doing 200 sit-ups. Easy, cheezy, lemon squeezy! What they don't explain fully in the informercial is that this damn thing is electrocuting you for 15 minutes a day. It sends electric shocks to your stomach-- the kind a dog might get when wearing an invisible fence collar--causing you to "flex" your stomach muscles repeatedly for 15 minutes. Now, my labrador is no fool. After getting shocked a couple of times he learned to stay in the yard. Me, on the other hand...I was stupid enough to let that thing shock me for a week-- with no visible results, by the way-- before I said "To hell with this! I'd rather just keep my belly fat just like it is ... and why do I smell like bacon all of a sudden?''
I've tried so many As-seen-on-TV items I can't begin to talk about all of the disappointments. So I will just tell you the plain ole truth. Most of this crap sucks. Yep, that sums it up pretty well.
But to be sure, I said MOST, not ALL. For there is one As-seen-on-TV item that stands above all others as the apex of ridiculously clever but completely unnecessary inventions, my favorite As-seen-on-TV item ever, THE SNUGGIE!
I feel like I'm in the commercial every time I wear it. I actually do all of those things that you can do in a Snuggie. Read, watch TV, answer the door, what ever! And what with me being an ordained minister now (see previous blog) my Snuggie can do double duty as my Ministerial Robe, should the need for one ever arise. I would look quite dashing performing a marriage ceremony in my pink Snuggie. Provided the paticipants had no objections to being married by someone who looks like a short blond wizard headed for a Gay Pride Parade.