the bra rant

Today's the big day. I'm having surgery. Septoplasti and gall bladder removal. I don't have to be at the hospital for another couple of hours so I thought I'd take this time to vent some frustrations.
Yesterday started off badly. I woke up to find my dog had gone nuts in the middle of the night. He'd knocked over the trash can and scattered garbage all over the place. When he got bored with the garbage he moved on to the clothes hamper. That crazy dog got one of my bras out of the hamper and chewed it in two! He ripped it right down the middle between the cups. Now it's like a pair of beanies with chin straps.
At first I was mad--livid actually. Then I decided I would use my misfortune as an excuse. An excuse to GO SHOPPING!
As a mom, I go shopping all the time. But this time it was diferent. I was shopping for ME! (quite a rarity)
So I went bra shopping.
Did you know that 80% of all women are wearing the wrong size bra? It's a fact! There have been numerous studies on the subject. (probably funded by the US government , because they don't have anything better to spend money on)
As such, when bra shopping, you can't just grab " your size" of the rack like you would anything else. You have to collect about a half dozen different sizes and try them all on to get one that fits just right.
Apparently, there's a science to it. First you have to choose the right cup size. They don't make it easy, like Starbucks. There are a lot more cup sizes than just Grande , Tall, and Venti. And to make matters more confusing, they now have ''half sizes''. The theory being that more sizes will make it easier for all women to find a perfect fit. Not true! It took me the better part of an hour to determine that none of the sizes is going to fit exactly right.
Either I get that muffintop bulging out of the top of the cup or I get somthing that is so loose that it's just a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen.
Then you've got to worry about support. I don't want to go around looking like a National Geographic centerfold with my boobs blowing in the wind. But the alternative is the dreaded WIRE.
To mis-quote Metallica: Gimme fuel, Gimme fire, Gimme bras WITHOUT A WIRE!
Modern science had created a phone that does everything but tie your shoes, yet no one can invent a wireless bra that still holds everything where it's supposed to be. Or for that matter, a bra that's at least comfortable would be nice.
Men wonder why we're bitches. It's because our bras don't fit right!
So the next time my husband accuses me of being in a bad mood, I'll just point to my bra and ask "Wouldn't you be bitchy if you had a wire poking you in the side-boob all day?"